Hardwired.

Hi, my name's John, I'm 22 and I drink cheap wine.

My mother's entering rehab tomorrow morning. Third time since November '06. If I doubt the effectiveness of this next stint, am I considered a bad son?

The Ex is leaving for Texas on Tuesday. I didn't care when he was here, but now that I know he's leaving I'm regretting the way things ended. Definitely a case of wanting what I can't have, because his breath was rank.

What a great way to jump back into things.

Lover's Spit

[Photo Credit: Ali. K]

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit

Broken Social Scene - Lover's Spit

One thing I've learned about fairly new, young gay guys is the need to start a relationship. Homosexuals aren't on the endangered species list, so we should stop acting like it.

Another thing I've had the pleasure of learning the hard way is if you're hardly compatible as friends, the last step you should take is to start a relationship with that person. Unless they're hot, then at least the superficial part can keep you content.

But The Boyfriend isn't hot enough, therefore leaving me to deal with his personality. Which doesn't exist. Actually, I felt like I was bamboozled into this relationship. He was on the cusp of being funny our first few dates. It gave me hope. He was my diamond in the rough. Except now I've learned that he's more rough than diamond.

The saying "I'd rather watch paint dry" doesn't even begin to explain the levels of boredom he brings me. It goes beyond it. Fuck watching the paint dry; let me get a good whiff of the fumes and then the guy can talk about anything he wants.

I want to connect with someone on many different levels. I want romance. I want love, and the very fact that never once told him I loved him sums it up. I shouldn't give up and pretend that what I have right now is enough for me, that I should be happy with it.

For so many things in my life, I've been complacent, allowing myself to just take what's at hand, happy to take what I can get.

But this is one thing I won't give up on. I won't settle.

That smell? I totally thought it was you.

Today's been a whirlwind of bus rides and walking, music and staring at myself (vain or just gay?) in store windows.

But it wasn't until right now that I figured out why I smell like a Taco Bell: I forgot to put on deodorant. I remembered to shower this morning, brush my teeth, do my hair, and yet that completely slipped my mind?

Opera Boy is in Texas right now, so we haven't been able to see each other in person since our emails, although we had some really amazing talks before he left. He'll be back by the end of the week, I think, and in the mean time all I can do is come up with some very graphic ways to say hello to him on his return.

I'd send an S.O.S., but I'm happy on the island.

I've been without internet for the entirety of December and that'll probably mean a internet-less January as well. It's been like having my balls in a vise.

My two-week Christmas/Winter vacation has just come to a close, and my stint as a photography lab technician has ended, too.

But I'm "dating" a guy I actually wrote about back in September.I guess I should add, that contrary to what I wrote, he's actually really nice and he sings opera.

We've gone out on two separate occasions in December, but they weren't "dates" per say, just us doing things together. But on our second outing, we went to a museum and saw a Magrite exhibit, and while that was a bust (Boo, Surrealism!) we became really comfortable around each other.

Since then he's written me a lovely email telling me that I'm "cute, weird, and funny." Which is what a boy always wants to hear. And he's asked if I'd like to take things further into actual proper dating.

My initial reaction is to reply back with a "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING, YES!!!!!", but I'll try to prevent myself from bursting into happy, gay flames.

It's going to be a good year.

Anything but Tom Cruises's wife.

Which NICOLE KIDMAN Character Are You?

"Ada" in COLD MOUNTAINYou're a girly girl, all swoony romanticism and heartbreaker beauty. But you've probably already learned that life is rough and joy can be fleeting. So get your hands dirty and live life to its fullest.
Take this quiz!








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Normally I avoid posting internet quizzes, but I don't have the will power this time. It's Nicole-centric, after all.

"Yes."

The beginning of friendships are wonderful times. There's an intensity to them, the constantly sharing and discovering of new things. Your jokes are funny because it's the first time they've been used. Your quirks are endearing and cute.

So in the past few weeks I've made friends with a few people from my Botany class, probably sparked by our mutual hatred for our classwork and our crappy professor. In particular, I've made friends with a girl named Sarah. And she's this darling 19 year old, quick witted and funny as hell.

Yesterday, I came out to her. Well, she prodded -- she asks so many questions, something she warned me about -- and asked me point blank if I was gay on the way to her car. This was the second time we'd gone down the "Are you single, how about a girlfriend....or boyfriend?" The first time we broached the subject, I clammed up. I don't think, at least initially, it was because I thought she'd reject me or start throwing rocks at me, but I just wasn't sure how far to open up to her. I tend to be a private person, for better or worse.

But on this occasion, when we went down the whole "Why are you single?" path and I couldn't come up with a coherent statement, she said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but are you gay?"

At this question, for the first time, there wasn't a pause. There wasn't time for me to drift inside myself and come up with an answer that would allow me to be vague and avoid answering the question, something I've become phenominally good at.

My heart was beating so fast, it felt like there was a hummingbird flying inside my chest, because as soon as she prefaced the question with "Don't take this the wrong way", I knew exactly where she was headed. So many emotions coursed through me in that moment, just waiting for her to ask the question, but none of them were fear. Not this time. I wanted her to ask, because this time I could answer.

"Yes," I said.

And on we went. Laughter. Music. Food. There was no awkwardness, no rejection. Just a day where I was able to be honest.

Argh!

After the horrible week I've had, I'd kinda hoped that at least today I would try and settle down, possibly start a brand new week in the right direction.

So I started my wash. In that load of wash, I included two new shirts: a black polo and a baby blue polo. Also in that wash was a cranberry long john t-shirt that is so old that I was not worried in the slightest about it bleeding.

I am one stupid man.

The last thing I needed was to watch the "bloody" mess that evil wash machine left my poor baby blue polo shirt in. All those cranberry-colored stains. It's so bad.

I really just want to scream (and maybe cry), and it's not even really about the shirt at this point; it's just a stupid $30.00 shirt after all. But it's been a horrible week and I'm still on edge. I just need to release whatever pent up emotions I have, because I'm on the verge of an aneurysm.

Besides, I refuse to buried in a blotchy polo.